Writing – Voices in My Head

A Deep Breath and a Little Courage

Jump out of an airplane and free fall through my fear? Yikes! That’s exactly how it felt on that February day in 2018 when I took my heart in my hands and pushed the publish button on my very first blog.

First time anything’s can be terrifying—the first day of school, a new job, or meeting face to face with an online date. Brian Hannon’s blog, Birth of a Blogger, catapulted me back to the moment when I decided that it was about time to take the leap across the chasm of fear and face the unknown by starting a blog—then muster up the courage to push the publish button. Double yikes!

My launch into the blogging world was particularly frightening because my writing style is often personal and self-revealing. Occasional self-deprecation leads readers to wonder if I’m joking to make a point, or if I’m serious, or check all of the above. It opens the door for readers to view my ramblings through the lens of their own inner vision, which can lead to various interpretations of who they think I am. Sometimes they get it right—sometimes not. Sometimes I don’t get it right myself and that’s okay, because through it all, I have learned that no matter what others may think of me, it is only important what I think of myself.

I invite you to take a trip across the chasm of fear into faith, knowing that no matter what you do or how you do it, it’s all a part of a journey toward wholeness. I invite you to experience my first free fall into the unknown world of blogging. I hope you’ll tag along and enjoy the ride. Who knows—we may even meet somewhere in the open space of joy along the way.

Ready? Here we go!

It’s About Time.

Wheee!

We Are One

Speaking of family, allow me to sing a few praises about a community of bloggers I’ve never met, nor likely ever will. I’ve spent most of my many years on the planet in search of like-minded souls with whom sharing from the heart is the main topic of conversation. Mostly what I have found is that surface chatter, small talk, and gossip usually rule the day.

In these times of world crises and uncertainty, it would not surprise me to learn that more and more people are searching for a safe place in which to share from the heart and find comfort among others who are struggling with similar issues. If you are one of them, read on. If you’re not, read on.

Finding just one such person in real life (IRL—I learned that from Vicki) is like finding a ginormous gold brick in the middle of a mud puddle. Bloggers, however, seem to have an uncanny ability to be magnetically drawn together in a clump in some mysterious, mystical way. I figured that there must be some gold out there somewhere—I just didn’t know where to look. My search finally culminated in finding soul mates inside my computer in a world of bloggers, far removed from the dense physical plane of in-person 3D reality. Allow me to introduce you to my favorite blog platform and its creators, Vicki and Wynne . . .

The Heart of the Matter blog platform was co-founded by two of my favorite Wonder Women, Wynne Leon and Vicki Atkinson. Along with eight other lovable bloggers, Vicki and Wynne regularly contribute articles for Heart of the Matter readers. Together, this talented group of writers has created a growing community of caring souls who speak their truth in words that resonate with me on many levels.

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

The Heart of the Matter banner reads, “Here we write and talk about inspirations….our journey to discover what matters most.” Humor, poignant experiences and relatable first-person stories abound in a space of openness, honesty, vulnerability and authenticity. What is nearly impossible to find in real life is alive and well within the virtual reality of a blogging community of like-minded souls. It is a pure delight to be a part of such a loving, caring group within the virtual world, and nearly impossible to find IRL. If you’d like to taste test the love fest, check out The Heart of the Matter.

WYNNE LEON

Wynne Leon is the extraordinary single mom of two, former courageous climber of very tall mountains, business consultant of techie things beyond my understanding, and author of the engrossing memoir, Finding My Father’s Faith”. Wynne, ever the Energizer Bunny, never ceases to amaze me. Her story of wandering away from the Christian family fold to find her own way on the spiritual path parallels the difficult road that I have also taken as I wandered away from my own Presbyterian upbringing. As the daughter of a devout Presbyterian minister, Wynne seeks and finds the unbreakable bond of love with her beloved father, and celebrates finding common ground in spite of differences. Wynne’s blog is Surprised by Joy.

VICKI ATKINSON

Vicki’s resilient spirit shines through in her recent book, Surviving Sue. Sue is an incredibly heartfelt, touching, and beautifully written memoir of Vicki’s life as the daughter of a seriously dysfunctional mother and developmentally disabled sister. Her ability to survive a broken childhood and emerge as a healed and whole human being is an inspiration and powerful testimony of her strength of character. I was sad when the I finished the last page, but glad that I can keep up with Vicki on her blog, Victoria Ponders.

VICKI’S BOOK REVIEW

I am beyond grateful to Vicki for writing an unsolicited, amazingly glowing review of my book, “Voices: Who’s in Charge of the Committee in my Head?”. I didn’t pay her to do it, honest—but she did such a fabulous job that I suggested she consider a second career as a book publicist. Please read her review here. Vicki also wrote a pre-review of Voices which can be found on her blog, Victoria Ponders.

(We interrupt this program to bring you an embarrassing little true confession. Do you remember reading that all things techie are beyond my understanding? In what appears to be a shameless act of self-promotion, all “Victoria” links point to her book review of Voices. I confess that I simply could not figure out how to link to the home page of A Heart of the Matter. I rest my case.) We now return you our regular programming…..

Now is a really great time on the planet to be looking for love. But if, like me you’re looking for kindred spirits and like-minded souls, you’ll need to look in the right places. So if you’re looking for love, look within first—you’ll find someone beautiful in there. And if you need a little help from your friends (the ones you’ve never met), drop by and enjoy the daily lovefest at The Heart of the Matter.

Who are we? We are family. We are one.

The World is As We See It

Today I’m I having one of those days—a do-nothing, can’t-seem-to-get-into-gear kind of days. Once in a while, that’s fine. Healthy, even. But if too many of them are strung together in a row, it might mean that there’s trouble brewing. Trouble in River City. There are letters to write, emails to answer, phone calls to make, bills to pay, organizing to do, and what’s my first move? A nap. Ah. Blessed bliss!

Maybe my empath self is picking up on all of the negative energy that is floating around out there in the universe. Maybe I’m being affected by the rampant fear thoughts overshadowing the world during these days of a stubborn pandemic, with its attendant problematic consequences. Maybe I’m buying into the pessimistic news that is being heaped upon humanity by mainstream media. Oh but wait—I don’t watch the news. Maybe I’m just getting it by osmosis.

It’s these moments that bring a spate of soul searching that ultimately brings the blessed relief that lasts a lot longer than a nap. These are the moments—uncomfortable though they may sometimes be—that provide insight and awareness into the heart of the matter, along with the accompanying wisdom and solutions that bring healing to whatever the issue might be. These are the moments that help me to see that I see amiss.

Today it dawns on me that I need to recognize that my downtrodden attitude infects others, just as those of others may infect me. If I had but one gift to give to my brothers and sisters in my family of humanity, would it be the gift of a downtrodden attitude that I would offer? No! But I’m still stuck in low-mode, so now what?

Perhaps now might be a good time for a chat with Us.

Oh, of course. Why didn’t I think of that?

We are happy to say that you just did, and we are grateful for that. We are saddened to see your usual upbeat attitude slip beneath the dividing line that separates holy from unhealthy. We are always here ready to help, if you will simply ask. We have been watching and waiting for your recognition that you are in need of a boost of inspiration and spiritual upliftment. We are glad that you have reached out so that We may help you to reach up.

Right. Clearly, sometimes I get caught up in my day-to-day doings and forget to do the things that are the most important for my health and well-being—nurturing my Divine Connection, for example. Guilty again.

Please be reminded that there is no need for guilt, for you have done nothing wrong. You have simply slipped away from doing the things that help you stay on the upside of holy.

It is always a blessing to speak with You. In doing so, I realize that one reason for my “unholy” attitude is that I have not been doing the thing that brings me the greatest joy. I have not been writing. I have not published a blog since last forever. Where have I been? What have I been doing? Apparently, I have been spending time viewing the world through dark lenses, rather than choosing to see the light.

Well, I’m back, at least for today, and today is the only day I have. It’s the only day that anyone has. We have the choice to waste it away with a pessimistic attitude of fear, or fill it with a belief in the power of our own minds to bring about positive change for one and for all through faith, love, and compassion.

It truly is all about how we see.

Yes. It truly is. Vision as seen through the eyes of the heart will indeed build a world of love, compassion, wisdom, truth and beauty. Keep your eye upon your donut, dear one, for it is through a vision of wholeness that a new world will be born.

Thank you, Dear Friends, for a new blog, a new day, and a renewed vision of spiritual upliftment and inspiration. Today, things are definitely looking up!

You are most welcome. Come back often, and remember—We are always here. Just call.

Feasts and Fasts

A couple of days ago—oops—I forgot to write a blog. Yesterday’s was published very late in the day instead of at the beginning, and amazingly enough, I didn’t die from it—I’m still here to tell the tale. Wahoo! In fact, it was rather refreshing to allow myself the luxury of getting up and out of my self-created hot seat to wander around in the sunshine and breathe a little. I successfully said no thank you to the finger-wagging shame-on-you guilt trip that my ego tried to lay on me about copping out on my commitment and away I went. That’s progress, I’d say.

A little aimless meandering once in a while is good for the soul. It is like opening the windows in a dark and stuffy room to allow fresh air and light to flood in and evaporate the gloom, to cleanse, refresh and restore old, worn out thinking that doesn’t’ work anymore, to make room for the new. Sometimes when I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of a conundrum, I take a little time out. When it’s just a writing quagmire, it might be a quick trip to the loo for some bathroom wisdom. A bigger issue, on the other hand, may require an extended period of time that includes complete radio silence.

What I love about a good time out is that it frees me from hearing the noisy voices and opinions of others and provides a moment in which I can hear the quiet wisdom of my own. It gives me precious time to sit, sift and sort through confusion and complexity and decide what is worth keeping, what should be expelled. When the mind and heart are cleared of the dross that clogs insight, resolution springs forth, mental clarity shines through, and peace returns. It’s a place to rest, stop, look, listen, reevaluate, and invite inner wisdom to be the guide. It’s both a spiritual fast and feast all at once. Answers reside in the silence.

Hmm. When I first started writing, I thought that there might be something related to the subjects of compassion, empathy, and sensitivity to others, but for some reason, that thought evaporated along with the gloom that disappears in the light of an open window. Well, maybe tomorrow.

So that’s it for today, folks. For now, I’m going back inside to continue my time out, enjoy the view from my soul, and hang out in radio silence for a while longer. See you tomorrow. I think.

Note: The photo above is courtesy of New Waves of Light, a website designed by anonymous individuals around the world who share the intention of bringing light and love to a world of darkness and chaos. (newwavesoflight.org or NWOL.us).

Where’s the Joy?

Blog stuck. I hate it when that happens. Here I sit in ye olde Lazygirl sucking my thumb and waiting for inspiration to strike and—nothing. Hello? Is anybody in there?

In desperation, I flip to a random page in my journal for distraction. The page flip takes me to an entry that reminds me of the importance of meditation and journaling. Both are the source of creativity, focus, and ideas that may be useful in writing; both are a rich source of wisdom that offer answers to some of life’s thorny questions. Questions of the soul arise, questions that draw my attention within to seek the source of joy. Where does it come from? Why does it go missing? How can I retrieve it?

My mind wanders off again into the world of writing. Why do I do it? Would I publish a blog or a book if no one ever read them? If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear, does it make a sound?

Creativity in any form comes packaged with a powerful nudge of the soul to seek outward expression. To deny the urge of creativity is to live life at half-mast. To experience the fullness of life is to allow talent and gifts to flow forth as joyful expressions of the soul.

Aha. That’s why I write! When I deny the inner urge of creativity to express itself, I deny joy. When I write for the right reasons, joy becomes the reward. The desire for accolades and validation pales in comparison to the sense of soul satisfaction that comes with the completion of a creative endeavor.

Why do I write? Because I have to. Who am I writing for? Myself. Well, whew. I’m glad that we got that settled.

In closing, it dawns on me that I need not limit my creative ability to just writing a book or a blog, but I can also use it to nurture the seeds of a better world by writing a new story of the future. I can imagine and dream the creation of a new and improved world that awaits our arrival. We all can help write the future. We need only imagine. It doesn’t get more joyful than that.

Write on!

Ironing Out the Wrinkles

Thanks to Professor Blog’s compassion in granting me a day off yesterday, life is back in some semblance of proper working order. The ironing is done, my desktop is clear, and the cobwebs in the head are gone. Balance and sanity are restored. At least for now.

With iron in hand and mind in motion, I had an epiphany. I don’t need to put pressure on the iron to get the wrinkles out. I need only to guide it gently and let the heat do its work. Life is so much easier when I don’t try to strong-arm my way through it.

My favorite blogs are the two that were written without applying blunt force to attack the job as if it was a permanently pre-wrinkled mess shirt. The wrinkles smoothed themselves out with little or no help from me. My faves are also the blogs that received a pretty fair positive response. Day Off That should tell me something, right?

Life is short. Relax, enjoy, have fun, and don’t get all caught up in the unsightly wrinkles.

It’s amazing what a little time off will do. Thanks, Prof.

May I Be Excused?

It’s a gorgeous morning. I’d like to take a walk before the temperature exceeds the humidity. I’d like to tackle the expanding pile of laundry before summer’s end. Small patches of bare space are peeking through the papers that blanket the surface of my desk. The house is in a state a of disarray, the result of a neglectful owner caught in a daily struggle to learn the art of balance. I want to catch up with friends, return phone calls, answer emails. Take care of business, have a little fun.

I need a day off.

Blog writing as a hobby is an all-consuming adventure that eats up a huge chunk of my day. By the time I close the clamshell, it’s lunchtime and I need a nap. I need to loosen up a bit and relax some of the rigidity that has closed in around me in an effort to get a tighter grip on self-discipline. A blog a day keeps balance away.

I need a day off.

Read Julia’s blog is on a friends’ daily to do list, perhaps a have to entry rather than a want to. God bless her for her loyalty. Maybe she needs a day off too.

I need to get out on this lovely morning and walk off some of the excess body that I have accumulated during these days as a pandemic shut-in. I need to clean up my act, get myself back in proper working order, do some ironing.

Professor Blog has granted my request for one day off and excused me from the classroom for a field-trip in search of balance. Yay!

Ta tah for now. See you tomorrow.

Mountains and Molehills

Every so often I take myself off on a mission of uncertainty, a merry go round ride of self-questioning over one thing or another, sometimes trivial, sometimes soul searching to the nth degree. It’s akin to making mountains out of molehills.

Today, it’s nth degree, a day of questioning motive, purpose, and mission. This time, it’s about why I spend the early morning hours of every day struggling to fill up the blank screen of my mind and my computer with words that may or may not be of interest or benefit to anyone. Why? What’s the point?

Tomorrow will mark the two-month anniversary of the day that I wrote the first blog of my new assignment, and it seems to me that there is very little reward considering the time and effort involved. Why am I doing this? Why, why, why? This is the second time in a week that I’ve wandered down this road in search of blog why’s . here Maybe today, I will get an answer.

I once was assigned to a temporary job in the business information center of a major corporation (aka library). I was led to believe that the job it would be for couple of days, but instead it was for six months. I was invisible, a nonexistent body sitting in a cubicle all day filing the newspapers and mountains of publications dumped on my desk hourly. It was voluminous. I was horrified at the thought of having to do a job that I hated day after day for half a year. I could have quit, I suppose, but if there was a lesson to be learned, I didn’t want to miss it. So I stayed.

On my first day, I sat down at 8:30 a.m. and started work. I worked and worked and worked hating every minute of it, until I thought it must be time for lunch. It was 9:30 a.m. Only six months and six more hours until the assignment would be over. I thought I might die before the end of the day.

There is a saying that if you don’t like what you do, you’d better to learn to like what you do. It occurred to me that if I was to survive the next six months, I’d better decide to like what I hated. I started my second day with a new attitude and sat down at my desk and worked until my supervisor poked her head into my cubicle and suggested that I go to lunch before the cafeteria closed. It was 1:30. There is nothing like a little change of mind and heart to change the day.

Six months later when the assignment was complete, I hated to leave. It had been like a speed reading course in spiritual growth and had provided some of the most profound lessons of my life. Hate became love, and what started in dread, ended in joy.

With life in a library as a reminder of gifts both seen and unseen, I shall go about my current writing assignment with renewed joy and without need for external validation nor reward because the reward is in the journey. When the assignment is complete, I will look back and say, “Oh wow! What a great assignment”

As a friend suggested early on, perhaps daily blogging is my spiritual practice. Maybe so, in which case, I will go about my business one day at a time, and pretend that I am writing my dissertation. Maybe I am, maybe not. Either way, that’s reward enough for me.

Oh and by the way—the publish button will before 8:45 a.m. Progress!

A Question of Balance

To quote Fagin, the self-serving villain in the movie version of Oliver, “I think I’ll have to think it through again.” Instead of my usual habit of rolling out of bed and into the Lazygirl in search of material for today’s blog, I took a walk to think it through again. I parked myself on a bench and stared at some water for a while and contemplated the myriad of questions roiling around in my head. Clearly, this is a break in routine. Thanks. I needed that.

Starting today, I have four appointments in two days. Life is returning to my calendar whether I like it or not, and I can’t say that I do. The awareness is creeping in that daily blogs, appointments, and obligations become combatants for time dominance, which leads me to wonder about my daily blogging commitment. So many questions.

As I sat on my bench thinking things through, it dawned on me that I have developed a rigidity about my commitment to self-discipline. No smoking, no drinking, no TV. Period. I dare not slip lest I become hooked again. No means no. Does the same thing apply to my blogging, and If I miss a day, does that mean that I’ve welched on my commitment?

Was there a timeline involved? Was there a clause in the contract allowing a renegotiation after sixty days? Is it okay to take a day off occasionally, or maybe make it to the three-month mark and review the contract? Is this a temporary assignment or a permanent one? Are readers weary of pushing the delete button when blog overload happens? Will a performance review probe motives and provide a progress report?

I have no idea. But apparently, there is a little soul searching to do here. I guess I’ll just have to keep at it until I receive some answers. Meanwhile, I’m putting myself on notice that after I have consulted myself and my Self, there may be a change in plan. Stay tuned.

I guess that finding a little balance in life must be part of the agenda, because I see that living life in the lopsided lane doesn’t work very well for me. Perhaps these challenging questions are all part of a great cosmic test, and if so, I suspect that this is one of them. One thing that I do know for sure— It’s always easier when I know that it’s a test.

Life in the Learning Lane

This morning, I started the coffee, nuked the creamer, zipped out to do a few quick errands around the building, and when I returned, the house was filled with the sweet aroma of charred caramel macchiato. Oops—that’s what adding an extra zero to the timer will do for you. Absentmindedness has found a new home in my head. I trust that it is merely a temporary condition that will vacate when the corona virus does. Where has my mind gone?

Phone calls go unreturned for a day or so, unanswered emails clog up my inbox, daily walks are put off until the tomorrow that never seems to come, birthdays are acknowledged late or not at all–well, you get the idea. Maybe it’s just a matter of keeping my own company for too long, or a lack of outside mental stimulation. Whatever it is, it needs a bit of remediation.

What is wrong with this picture? Have I put the emPHAsis on the wrong syllable?

I know that I have committed myself to writing a daily blog for a reason. Why? Apparently, there are still things that I must learn, and this experience is a powerful teacher, a mirror reflection of my inner state of being. Can I keep up? Is there life outside of the classroom? Can I balance my studies with life, juggle responsibilities, and still get a little down time and enough sleep? Clearly, I’m a beginner in a graduate course.

It is safe to say that the care and feeding of my baby blog has become almost a full- time job. Like a child, it requires time, energy, sleepless nights, and a lot of nurturing. There are bloggers who have hundreds, or thousands of followers and I wonder how they manage when I struggle to look after my one small infant. Do they have any other life, these successful bloggers? They must have found the balance that I have lost.

Writing my early occasional blogs was like having a pet. Write it, walk away for a while, come back, feed it, give it a little attentionLif, and return at my leisure. A daily blog, on the other hand, is like having twins. The pressure is on, the days never end, and nothing much ever gets done. It’s like taking on a double major.

I wonder—when I learn whatever it is that I enrolled for, will I be allowed to downsize back to occasional? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Meanwhile, maybe I’ll start thinking about why I enrolled in the first place and just get on with it.

Today, writing is the easy part. Next, I face an added challenge in the mix, Facebook and WordPress are both forcing me to learn anew thanks to technology changes. Really? Do I have to? Is this in the curriculum? No wonder my poor addled brain is tangling with forgetfulness and absentmindedness. Well, I guess that dealing with technology is a lot easier than having to write by candlelight with a quill pen like poor Jane Austin. All those revisions and rewrites? Heaven help her!

If this is the worst problem that I ever have to face, aren’t I beyond blessed? We all show up in our classroom with a personalized agenda. Our lessons come in a myriad of forms, with an equal plethora of forms available to help us. Some lessons seem a whole lot harder than others, but we never get more than we can handle. If we will just ask for it, recognize it when it shows up, and reach out a hand, we will be given all the help we need to move up to the next grade. The first step is to wake up and realize that we are all students enrolled in the same school, instructed by the same wise teacher who knows what is best for us—the soul. The greater the love and support that we give to one another along the way, the faster we will earn our masters degree. Godspeed to all.