My current favorite pandemic meme came straight from of jaws of Facebook and suggests that perhaps God is sending us all to our rooms to give us time to consider what we’ve done.
Oh my. Well that could be a scary thought.
Oh? And why is that?
Well, duh. It could bring up all sorts of hidden stuff like guilt, and what I did wrong, and what I didn’t do that I should have, and what I did that I shouldn’t have. You know stuff like that.
That is true. And would that be such a bad thing?
Well it wouldn’t be very much of a comfort. I mean, after all, who wants to see the parts and pieces of themselves that they’ve been hiding from for a lifetime?
Ah. Perhaps you speak of the ego, the personality, the “small” self of the individual that feels disconnected from the larger Self. And speaking of disconnection, We sense that you have allowed yourself to drift off into the world of ego and are considering the impact of today’s writing upon the reader.
Oops. You would be correct.
May we remind you that your task is to simply write? There is no need for you to judge the words, nor how they may be perceived by those who read them.
Thank you. But it is still a little tempting to get a bit squirrely about whether or not I’ll be considered nuts.
We understand. And again, We remind you that what others think of you is irrelevant, for they will see you through the lens of their own perspective. We know that remnants of self-doubt occasionally rise up and play a role in your actions, choices, and decisions, and clearly, We see that this is one such occasion. We applaud the progress that you have made thus far in releasing this obstacle that occasionally stands in the way of your peace of mind, and for the courage it takes for your willingness to be transparent. Under these circumstances it is natural then, that a sense of hesitancy still exists.
Again, you would be correct. But I’ll get over it. Today for the first time since the pandemic lock-down, there is a bit of structure to my day and I need to get on the move. But I promised myself that I would blog every day, and today, this is it. How do I feel about it? I don’t know. But I’ll push the publish button anyway, and let the chips fall where they may. There are lessons to be learned in every situation, and I’m happy to learn mine, no matter now comfortable or uncomfortable they may be.
Thanks Pandemic for this opportunity to stop and consider what I have done. Oh—and to love and forgive myself for whatever it is that I think I may have done wrong.
Happy Easter everyone. May we rise up together into a glorious new beginning!
PS: If you are dazed and confused by what you just read (if in fact you even made it this far), it may be because you missed the last one or two blogs. Reading them will put this one in context.
Note: The beautiful image and meme are courtesy of New Waves of Light (NWOL.us).
Well it’s another day, I’m back, and for me that’s quite an accomplishment. I seem to have a history of making these insanely impulsive promises to myself in moments of expanded consciousness only to welsh on myself soon thereafter. It’s maddening, really. And depressing.
Just yesterday, for example, I stuck my neck out and made a commitment to sit myself down every day and write a blog. While I was at it I blared it out loud not just to myself but also to you, whoever you are, who is reading this self-confession right now. It is no surprise then that today I awoke after a sleepless night of worrying about whether I’ll pull it off, or if I’ll have anything to say, or if I’ll welsh on myself yet again. It prompts me to ask myself the question, “OMG—What have I done?”
Enter self-doubt. What am I going to do? What am I going to write? How am I going to fill up the blank space of a white screen with anything worth saying or reading? It transports me right back to that day decades ago when I asked myself the same questions and heard the words, “It doesn’t matter. Just write.” So I did. And I loved doing it. It was exhilarating.
Why did I stop? That question boiled down to a one-word answer. Fear. Fear of what? Success? Failure? Embarrassment? Self-exposure? Check all of the above? Whatever it was, it stopped me dead in my tracks and the fruits of those many long hours of writing ended up in the jaws of the neighborhood trash truck.
Well that was then and this is now, and I’m happy to report that I’m a lot whole older and wiser than I was then and now I have reached a point in life where none of the old self-doubts matter much anymore. Hallelujah! Free at last! What a feeling!
Somewhere between now and a rather sleepless night of worry about how I would manage to honor this impulsive, brash recommitment to daily writing and publishing, I felt an inner nudge of encouragement that said, “You can do. Just do it.” Ahh—the gentle whisper of the Voice.
So here I am again, back at a keyboard facing a blank screen, but this time, I’m not the least bit concerned about what anyone might think. Somewhere deep within I know that finally, finally, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing not just for myself, but also for anyone else who has ever struggled with some of the myriad of obstacles that stand in the way of their realization of joy and happiness.
It’s not just about writing. It’s so much more than that. It’s about the will and desire to move out from behind the shadow of the ego and into the light of Truth that lies within. It is about planting seeds of hope and spreading inspiration and encouraging my brothers and sisters in this world to have faith that in spite of appearances, everything is going to be all right. Truly, it will.
That said, I bid farewell for today with a promise that I will be back again tomorrow and hope that I will see you then. Before I go though, I must ask myself a question or two.
Did I get it right? Is it perfect? Does it need to be perfect? Does it even matter? No. The only thing that really matters is that today I listened to the whispers of the Voice within and did what I am supposed to do. What about you? Are you listening for the whispers that have the answers to the questions of your heart? Is there something that you can do for yourself today that will make you feel really good about yourself when you go to bed tonight? If not today, then perhaps tomorrow?
Till we meet again, I wish you many blessings of love and peace.
Note: The beautiful image and meme above are courtesy of New Waves of Light (nwol.us).
Today as I was scrambling around in my head trying to make sense out of the contents of my mind, it dawned on me that I am currently long on self-doubt and procrastination and short on purpose, perseverance, and action. As a “shut-in” along with the rest of the world during this historic pandemic, there is not much to do now except to sit down and look within to see where I can make a few in-flight corrections.
As I sit and stare at my current state of mind, I am reminded of a time many years ago when, during a time of meditation, I was given a set of instructions.
“Make a commitment to write!”
“Write what?” I asked? “Anything!” came the response.
Let the dialog begin! Apparently, it is no accident that this blog is titled “Voices in my Head”.
After days of resistance and repeated cajoling from whoever or whatever that Voice is, I gave in and sat down in front of a keyboard and stared at a blank piece of paper and wrote anything. Astes erwoi 9 hhta the cow jumped over the moon.
After many hours of cows and moons, there emerged a writing adventure called Conversations with Myself.Conversations was a journal, a daily dialogue betwixt me, myself, and I, and the committee in my head that vied for power over who was to be in control. It was often a fascinating dialogue.
The writing was intensely personal and self-revealing, written with the hope that perhaps the revelation of my personal journey and inner battle with myself could help, uplift, and inspire others who shared similar struggles to make their way easier.
Sometimes I would muster up the courage to show it to a trusted friend or two. Always the response was encouraging and positive, but when I sent it out to one publisher it was rejected. After that, I gave up and Conversations made its way into a carton that was buried deep within the recesses of a closet and my mind, along with any delusions of thinking that my various voices and mind wanderings would ever serve as a tool for helping others like myself. Eventually it was sucked into the jaws of a passing trash truck and was lost and gone forever. Fear became the winner in that fray.
Decades have passed since those days and yet sometimes I still do battle with myself over one thing or another. Today it’s about not living up to my own potential. There is not a soul alive on the planet who is not born with certain gifts and talents. I know that I am a writer and I am not using that gift to the fullest extent possible. So, today in the midst of this pandemic, my game plan is to dust off my writing skills and just do it. No more hiding out in the closet for me! If only one person gains benefit from the various voices in my head, then I can cross “live up to potential” off my list, at least in one small area of my life.
Today is a new day. It is the perfect time to begin again with an updated purpose and refreshed commitment to resume Conversations. From past experience I know that sometimes my commitments are strong and powerful and sometimes they’re a little shaky. If I’m not back tomorrow, I’m going to need a few prayers. All help gratefully accepted.
Meanwhile, I ask you to consider that the old will be gone forever, and invite you to let the promise of a New Age blossom in your heart and spark your imagination to create a vision of how you would like the world to be when this is all over. Together we can make it so.
Please be well in heart, mind, body, and spirit.
With love from me and the cacophony of voices in my head, Julia
(Photo and meme courtesy of New Waves of Light (nwol.us). Please feel free to share.
I don’t know how You did it, but thank you for closing the world and sending us home to the quiet of our own hearts for a spell. Thank you for giving us and our precious planet Earth a time to allow Your light and love to heal our wounds. What an amazing and miraculous gift for humanity and our Earth home—an opportunity to shut down and reboot, to start anew with a fresh perspective.
I know that there are many who will experience undue suffering and hardship, and I pray that they will be sustained in faith by Your love and by the kindness and compassion of family, friends, and strangers.
Thank you for opening our hearts to one another, and for the awareness that we are a family of one and are given a choice to decide between an attitude of love or fear. Thank you that we are learning to recognize the destructive power of fear and help us choose the soothing, healing balm of love instead. Thank you for miracles.
With an overflowing love and gratitude that my heart can scarcely hold,
When I was a very young child, a puzzling question popped into my mind from out of the blue. It was a question that I pondered for decades and was the one that started me on my quest to answer the eternal ‘Who am I’ and ‘why am I here’ questions.
While in the midst of playing with a friend from kindergarten one day, I found myself poking my little finger at her small body, and then back at my own asking, “Who is that in there? And who is this in here?” I continued the conversation in my head for a bit longer and more questions came to mind. Why do you live with your family, and why do I live with mine? Why are you you, and why am I me? Heavy questions for a five-year old to ponder.
On my spiritual journey decades later, I received answers to my questions. There is no “you” and there is no “me” because in Truth, we are all One joined in spirit and connected by the same Divine Source.
We are born into different life scenarios designed to provide opportunities for us to move toward our highest possible evolution. We arrive on the planet wrapped in individual bodies appearing to be separate, but beneath the wrappings of so many beautiful hues, the bottom line is that while on this earth, you are you, and I am me, but in Truth, we are We, and We are One.
In closing, a final thought about forgiveness comes to mind. Whether it is yourself you forgive or another, forgiving one is the same as forgiving all for indeed, Oneness is all encompassing.
Blessings to One and All, dear brothers and sisters.
Note: The photo above is courtesy of New Waves of Light, a website designed by anonymous individuals around the world who share the intention of bringing light and love to a world of darkness and chaos. (newwavesoflight.org or NWOL.us).
So sometimes I have these little chats with myself.
“Self?” I may say. “What in the heck do you think you’re doing?”
Fortunately, mySelf is usually quite patient with my silly questions, humors me, and encourages me to find my own answers by simply ignoring the question. Well, at least I think that’s the plan. Mostly, it leaves me to my own devices to figure out what the heck I’m talking about.
The latest round of self-talk was about the many creative avoidance techniques that I use to keep myself from having to face things that I’d rather not. Maybe you know the drill. Maybe you, too, have voices in your head that clamor to be heard, voices that you try to stifle but that just won’t go away.
Mostly for me, said voices refer to issues of spirituality and personal growth. At the top of my current spiritual to-do list is, for example, is “Put Away Toys.” That would mean any activity that distracts me from engaging with my True Self, as in TV and mindless iPad games wherein I tell myself that I’m improving my mental acuity and giving my brain free reign to roam around gathering creative energy and a head of steam for something, though I know not what.
Unfortunately, television qualifies as a toy, so this no-TV edict is a whipdoozy. It’s hard. It’s a big ask, like the “Get a Dog” voice from twelve years ago that brought Charlie Chin Yoda into my life. What will fill the ginormous void left by a blank TV screen? Well ok, maybe I’ll give it a try—but I’m not making any promises.
The morning after my first TV-less night as I was whizzing down a country road at 60 mph, a sign on the side of the road grabbed my attention. It said simply, “Celebrate your success.” Well okay then. I made it through one whole night without indulging in one of my favorite avoidance addictions. Bully for me!
That was a over month ago. Still, I struggle with the what-to-do-with-myself question that looms as TV hour rolls around every night. It is like a night without a bottomless glass of wine. My hope is that this emptiness too shall pass, as it did when I finally emptied my wine glass for the very last time and recovered from wineless nights.
So I say to myself, “Self,” I say? What am I supposed to be doing with all of this blank-screen TV-less time on my hands?”
And my Self says to me, “Write your own story. Tell your own truth. Say it like it is in your world and do not concern yourself with how it is perceived. Judgment is not your job. Your job is simply to write.
Ah good old Self, good old Voice of Reason. Always there with a ready answer when and if I’m willing to put away my toys and listen.
To the casual observer, one might call my minimalistic living environment pristine. What lurks behind closed doors, however, tells a very different story—one that I sincerely hope does not reflect a mirror image of the content of my mind.
Whenever I am struck by inspiration and courage to bravely venture into a closet or peek into the innards of my computer to clean something out, I am struck dumb by what I face. Be it old writing or old clothing, the fire of my determination fades quickly into a sad little heap of dying embers and is quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness at the prospect of trying to make sense out of anything.
The possibilities are endless and stretch the limits of my decision-making ability to infinity and beyond. To publish or delete? To save or not save? To sell or give away? Will I ever wear it again? Have I worn it in a year? Does it need altering or editing? Will anyone want to read it? Is it any good? Do I like it? Would anyone else like it? Is it worth anything? Does it make any sense? Does it have any holes in it? Well, you get the gist . . .
In a recent fit of “Let’s get organized” I courageously dug into some files from yesteryear, and yet again, I collapsed into a fit of overwhelm at my total and complete, utter lack of organization. Stuff is spread hither, thither, and yon with little, if any hope of ever being brought together in one miniscule space of coherence and/or organization. If ever I have a hope of getting my act together, I’ll need at least another dozen lifetimes or so.
But I do want to start somewhere (wherever that is) so I tiptoed into my computer closet and gingerly emerged with a piece of writing from 2007, and again am bombarded with the questions. What should I do with it? Delete? Publish? Save for later? Well, maybe that’s not the best option—it has already been saved for twelve years. Maybe the decision is just about making a decision.
Well, over a decade later, I’ve finally settled on a solution (some of us are a little slow you know). The decision is—ta dah—pluck one thing at a time out of the closet, and do something with it.
Turn it into a blog. Compile it into a book. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just DO it. Maybe someday it will start to make sense, but at least for now, one step forward–even if it’s wrong–is better than no step at all. Just one little tidbit dragged out of the dark and into the light, lightens and brightens my world because that’s one less bit of clutter to deal with tomorrow.
So what’s it gonna be? Today it’s going to be a blog until maybe some day in the future I can figure out how to get organized enough to turn it into a book. The first chapter might be all about clutter. I’m an expert, after all. Meanwhile, till I get my act together, it’s one day and one piece at a time. Maybe tomorrow or the next day that bit from 2007 will see the light of day. Wish it luck. And me too.
Onward and upward! Out of the dark and into the light!
I arrived frustrated and frazzled at the destination where my niece and I planned to have lunch. Along the way I became hopelessly lost in the maze of the parking lot at the mall. Don’t laugh. If you’ve never been lost in a mall, it’s because you’ve never been to the Galleria in Tyson’s Corner, VA. It’s a nightmare to this Marylander, as are the highways that I must travel just to get there. The mere thought of accidentally getting caught up in the frightening tangle of HOV lanes and not being able to get off until I reach China grips me with the gut-wrenching fear that I may never be seen or heard from again.
I called my niece to tell her that I was hopelessly lost and in her kind and gentle way, she provided me with the directions that I needed to get myself back on track. That said, she told me that she was going to hang up, park, get a table, and wait for me.
“Nooo” I pleaded! Please don’t leave me! Please hang in there with me until I get there! She did, I got there, and we found each other in the parking lot, gave each other a gigantic hug, and headed toward lunch. What a blessed relief! God bless her. God bless cell phones.
“You’re going to turn this into a blog,” she quipped before we had even entered the building. I hadn’t considered the possibility, but since she put the idea into my head, I thought, “Why not?” It seemed like a fairly reasonable challenge—certainly one that was easier than finding the Cheesecake Factory amidst the myriad of storefronts and garage entrances.
It’s bad enough to be lost in the mall, but add to that the fact that it’s not the first time I’ve done it. Oh no, no. It happens every time I dare venture into the mystery maze of the Galleria. Repeating a mistake over and over is enough to send me into a wailing fit of “Why God? Why do I keep doing the same stupid thing again and again? When will I ever learn?“
Well now, isn’t that just the question of the century!? Why God? Why do I keep doing the same stupid thing again and again? When will I ever learn?
Like dear Connie, God is patient. God is kind. God listens to and hears my desperate calls for help. God waits for me and hangs in there with me as I bumble my way through life making wrong turns and bad decisions, and while I blindly stumble along making the same mistakes over and over, mistakes that leave me feeling befuddled, frustrated and stupid.
But it’s all okay, because just like Connie, God will be there to provide gentle guidance along the way, wait for me, and when I arrive, He’ll rejoice because I finally made it to my destination. It’s always reassuring to know that no matter what, I’ll find my way back home. He knows that I will, and I know that I will—it’s just a matter of when. Now would be good.
I’ve been gone for what seems like an eternity—off by myself again wandering around aimlessly in the desert trying to find my way back home. Another blogger asked a question worth pondering—if I stopped blogging, would anyone notice? I would. I noticed that I have gone missing, but I couldn’t seem to find the oomph to get myself back on the return trip toward home. Perhaps because I temporarily lost the way. Sometimes it is very hard to return to sanity whilst being on vacation from one’s own head. When I’m out there doing the aimless-wander dance, I wrestle with feelings of self-doubt and guilt because I think that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, whatever that is. Perhaps you might be somewhat familiar with the feeling?
I don’t quite know what it is that drags me off course, but the one thing I do know is that the real problem here is that I have wandered away from God. I have wandered away from that part of myself that is the best of me, and collided head-on into the self that I’ve been trying to avoid for as long as I’ve been on my spiritual journey. It doesn’t usually go very well. I don’t think that escape is the answer.
When I’m away, I experience lethargy, laziness, sloth (hmm—isn’t that one of the seven deadly sins?), and a general sense of malaise that eats away at self-esteem and sends me straight into the despair of zero self-worth. Eeks! That’s not a very nice place to live! Feelings of low self-worth sneak in while we are looking the other way and inflict torture upon most of us at one time or another whether we are aware of it or not. Now that’s a condition truly worth avoiding!
Once it finally dawns on me that my sojourn into the desert is a lonely one, and that it robs me of the joy that is my true birthright, it’s enough get me to hop on my camel and gallop out of the desert as fast as I can–or at least as fast as a camel’s legs will allow–and I return happily to my quiet time with God, and yes—maybe even blogging. But sometimes that realization comes at the speed of molasses in January. Why is that, I wonder? And what is it that makes me wander off in the first place? Maybe that part doesn’t matter. Maybe I just need to keep my eye on the end goal and enjoy the jagged journey along the way.
My last blog was written nearly two months ago on July 13 and yes, rather recently I have heard from a few readers asking about it, and for that I say thank you for your encouragement. So often a little nudge from others is all that is needed to provide a wandering soul with renewed faith and the desire to move forward on the path. So much of life is about intention. Do I intend to finish this blog, or will I get halfway through, take the dog for a walk, and forget it, as I have so many others?
Will I sit down every morning and spend my quiet time conversing with God, or will I keep Him waiting and instead fritter away precious hours and minutes checking emails, tweaking my daily to-do list, reading negative news, or fretting over undone chores—then suddenly wake up to the realization that I’ve gone missing and lost my senses again? God doesn’t care if the laundry gets folded or if there are dishes in the sink. God has more important things than household chores on Her mind.
Here’s the thing. God gave me an assignment—a job to do—and if I don’t do it, I’m not holding up my end of the bargain. Not that God bargains, mind you—it’s just that I’m the one who entered into the contract. I’m the one who said, “Okay, God, if this is all you ask, it is the least I can do.” All God asks is that we be happy, and that we find the joy that dwells deep within our hearts and waits patiently to be found. The only thing that God asks of us is that we realize that we are loved and forgiven, and that we have no reason to think or feel anything less than that. I’m the one who lays self-doubt and guilt at my own feet by allowing myself to slip into the false belief of thinking that I am less than I am.
When I am able to remember my assignment, my promise to God that I will love myself as She loves me, feelings of low self-worth, guilt and self-doubt fade and transform into the remembrance that I am truly a beloved child of God, perfect just as I am. And so are you. And so is everyone else, even though sometimes appearances may say otherwise.
This week a little voice in my head suggested that I take my umbrella into Trader Joe’s. Did I listen? No, of course not. When I emerged from the store after all of five minutes, torrential rain was flooding the parking lot. Clearly, there is something in me that is a whole lot smarter than I am, and one day perhaps I’ll learn to listen. Meanwhile, I’m going to do my darnedest to quit taking little side trips into the wilderness and make a commitment to honor my prayerful intentions instead. Wish me luck!
Now I must ask myself the question—am I going to push the publish button now or am I going to make myself crazy wondering if it’s good enough? Cheech. There I go again—listening to that pesky self-doubt voice instead of to the one that’s smarter than I am, the one that makes helpful little suggestions, like, “Take your umbrella.” Whenever will I learn? Or maybe the real question is—when will I not forget? Does it all have to be perfect? No. Does it really matter? No. Is it a good thing to be content with whatever is? Absolutely.
Thank you good readers for the nudge that I needed to get my feet back onto the return–to-God path. It feels great to be back and God willing, I’ll stay stay put, resist the temptation to wander away again, and see you soon. It is unbelievably comforting to know that God loves me when I’m ornery. He loves me when I am small and petty. He loves me when i procrastinate, when I’m lazy, and especially when I’m behaving like a sloth. He loves me no matter what. What a gift. What a wonderful God!
Yep. I’m doing it. There’s nothing quite like pushing the publish button to bring joy and set my feet back on the path. Before I push it though, just a thought to remember–God loves you and so do I. What is there to say but Thank You Thank You Thank You God?