Who is Me?

This might be one of those “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned” kind of blogs; it has been 27 days since my last blog. Eeks. Where have I been? I’ve slipped from being a one-a-day blogger into a slug. It’s not that I don’t get ideas, mind you. Its that I don’t follow up. Sometimes I start a blog and don’t finish. There are a fair number of those squirrelled away in my painfully disorganized computer files.

Today I was fishing through my unfinished blog file and came upon one that paints an accurate portrait of an ego in all its full-blown glory. As I read through it, I asked myself, “Is this really me?” Yes. No. Well, maybe. Sometimes. Well, if it isn’t me, then who is it? Who is me? Am I an ego? Am I a soul? Am I a check-all-of-the-above? Welcome to a picture of me in pre-pandemic mode trying to wrestle myself out of my lazy zone into action. Ready—set—go!

I seem to be missing a plan today.  If I were to break rank with myself and get my fanny up out of the Lazygirl, what would I do?  Hmm. 

Maybe I’d take a shower, get dressed, go out and buy a birthday card for my brother-in-law.  Maybe I’d go for a walk in the mall, though I could really walk outside today since the rain has finally stopped. Or maybe I’d get into the kitchen and zoodle the zucchini and store it till I’m ready to cook it. Or maybe I’d change the sheets.  

I’ve been cloistered too long. Sitting too long. Doing nothing for too long. It’s time to get up and make myself useful in some way or other. But how? Stuck. Can’t seem to get out of my own way. Maybe I just need a change of scenery, which could account for the draw to the mall. Maybe I’d make myself happy and buy a new case for my iPhone. Maybe that’s all I need for an uplift. Or meditation. Whatever. 

Really? Are you kidding me? What is the matter with me? I sit here all comfy cozy in wah-wah mode with everything that I could ever need or want while a ginormous portion of the population suffers from the trauma and drama of world events. How dare I? Sometimes I can’t believe myself. Unbelievable. It’s embarrassing.

And then, blessedly, I begin to return to my senses. 

Oh but wait. I’ve moved into self-judgment mode again. Sure, I may not be at the top of my game right at the moment, but I don’t need to beat myself up for it, do I? Maybe a little compassion would help to turn the tide of negative opinion that I seem to be heaping upon myself. After all, I’m not perfect, right? If I were, I’d probably not be here anymore, right? I mean, if I can’t muster up a little compassion for myself, how can I offer it to others?

Welcome to a portrait of the persona. Have a browse through a photo album of one tangled in self-judgment phase. The reading of a few previous blogs will reveal other not-so charming pictures of one caught in the ego antics of insecurity, fear, low self-worth—or, on the other end of the scale, delusions of grandeur. Tricky thing, the ego. Today the problem is lazy. Tomorrow it could be inadequacy. The possibilities are endless.

On the flip side of the coin there is a portrait of the soul. Those who identify with the presence of the soul within need no explanation, for they understand the truth of their own being. Sometimes, when I am in my right mind, I am one of them. Sometimes I forget who I truly am, and mistakenly identify with the ego side of the coin that represents fear. When I am able to snap back into sanity, the identification with love becomes natural.

So, who am I really? I am whoever I want to be. I prefer to identify with the part of myself that lives in the light of the soul rather than with the self-judgmental critic within, the one who has to wrestle herself out of the Lazygirl and fight her way through the darkness back into the light. When I paint a portrait of myself as an ego, I am showing a false picture of myself, for that is not who I truly am. The truth of me—of every one of us—lies within the soul. 

Today I am back home where I belong, safe and secure in the comforting Divine Light of the Soul. Today, I moved an unfinished blog into the finished pile, and that makes me very happy. It’s always a great joy to move from the darkness to the light, from the ego to the soul, from fear to love.

I’ll see you in the light, my friends.

Note:  The photo above is courtesy of New Waves of Light, a website designed by anonymous individuals around the world who share the intention of bringing light and love to a world of darkness and chaos. (newwavesoflight.org or NWOL.us

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