Lost and Found

Today I awakened to discover that she’s back.  Who?  You know.  Her.  Who??  Ms. Cranky Pants, with her negative attitude, that’s who.  The one who rains all over my parade.  The peace thief.  The interrupter of my little joy ride in the land of La La.  She’s sneaky, that one.  She shows up when least expected just the instant when I let my guard down, just when I think that I’ve finally got it all together once and for all.  She’ll show me, right? 

I frittered away a couple of hours on a bunch of meaningless trivia before I snapped to attention and realized that I’ve lost it again.  One day I’m on top of the world, divinely connected to my fabulous inner Self, and the next, I’ve forgotten who I am, what I’m doing, and why I’m here.  If I dare leave the door open a tiny crack, Ms. Pantsy sneaks in while I’m not looking.   Once her foot is in the door, it’s hard to evict her.  

I silently curse myself for my lack of vigilance.  Again.  When will I learn?  What has become of my self-discipline, diligence, dedication, commitment to stamp out ego?

Eventually, it dawns on me that the her that I think is me isn’t.  That her lives in the part of the collective subconscious that thinks it’s separate from others.  That her fails to see that although we walk around separated by physical bodies, beneath the skin we are all the same Self.  Our thoughts intermingle like the ingredients of a recipe that we bake into our consciousness and spoon-feed to ourselves.  Instant reality.  A minute on the lips, forever on the hips.  

As I sit in my lazygirl trying to figure out where I went wrong, it occurs to me that I have simply plucked the wrong ingredients out of the air.  I have picked up on the negative energy that is so pervasive on the planet these days and baked it into my own consciousness.   Oh my. 

In a workshop years ago, I was asked to imagine a time when I experienced fear.  Earlier in the day, my seriously unhinged boss had hurled her vicious, unbridled anger at me for no good reason.  While still in the midst of reliving that dreadful moment, the workshop leader suddenly shifted gears and  asked us to bring to mind a memory of love.  In that instant, I was so knee deep in my experience of fear that I was completely unable to let it go and bring to mind an experience of love.  It was impossible.

That was the profound moment in my life when I truly understood the meaning of the expression, love is letting go of fear.  It is impossible for the mind to focus on two states of mind at the same time.  It is either one or the other.  In that moment, a choice of love was out of the question because I was totally blocked by fear.  

How can my fabulous divinely-connected self experience love when Ms. Cranky Pants is in control and stands blocking the doorway to inner peace?  Just because I know that she’s there doesn’t make it any easier to dislodge her.  

Before I signed on for another lifetime gig (if you believe in that sort of thing) I raised my hand when they requested volunteers as lightworkers.  I am supposed to be focusing on light not dark, on love not fear.  Finding love amidst the fear is no easy feat when Cranky Pants stands in the way.  Finally, after days of futzing around with this go-nowhere blog, it dawned on me.  The problem is quite simply that I identified as Ms. Cranky Pants instead of remembering that she is not me.  I forgot who I am.  Why do I keep doing that?

Sometimes it takes a while for me to figure these things out.  Maybe that’s why this go-nowhere blog has gone nowhere for about—oh, maybe a week or so now.  There’s nothing quite like being stuck on stall to dampen one’s enthusiasm.  Apparently, I’ve been wasting precious time allowing myself to wallow around in a mindset of futility (translation: fear) instead of in an enlightened state of joy (translation: love).  Can’t be in both places at once, right?  My choice, right?  

At this point, the only thing that I know for sure is that I’m the one who has to change my mind.  I’m the one who is really bored with this go-nowhere blog, and proclaim to myself that it is time to get on with it.  Get a grip.  Finish it.  Move on. 

Okay fine.  I’m in.  Today I’m ready to find my way back to my divinely connected fabulous Self.  I miss me when I’m I’m gone, and I’ve been gone too long.   Bye bye Ms. Cranky Pants.  Today I’m pushing the publish button on you and saying goodbye for now.  Goodbye forever would be better, but I only have now, and now is the only time there is.  Phew.  Finally!  Buh-bye Pantsy. 

The world needs all of the light and love that it can get.  Please make a choice for good will and bake a little light into the collective consciousness to help tip the balance from fear to love, from dark to light.  Your beautiful energy will speed our journey to a world that will soon become our reality.  To that I say, Amen.

Note:  The photo above is courtesy of New Waves of Light, a website designed by anonymous individuals around the world who share the intention of bringing light and love to a world of darkness and chaos. (newwavesoflight.org or NWOL.us)