Do you ever review your day just before going to sleep? I do—and last night I had to face the music and ask myself, “Egad—what in the world was that?”
Yesterday was one of those head-pounding, heart-pumping, vein-popping nightmarish kind of days that nearly sent me over the edge of sanity into the brutal realization that I ain’t perfect yet. Dagnabit. When am I going to learn?
Here I thought that I finally had it all together (well, maybe just some of it) only to be shocked into the awareness that just like anyone else, I am not immune from the blast of anger that lurks just beneath the surface of my usual calm manner that is ready to flare up unexpectedly to pounce and punch—and Heaven help the person who happens to be innocently standing in the way when it does!
Unlike the nightmares of The Pink Panther (2/26) and Trashy Dreams (4/22), this was a daytime nightmare from which I have not yet awakened nor barely recovered. Lessons, lessons, everywhere lessons.
In addition to owning the title of Queen of the Trash Room, I also seem to have acquired the honor of being dubbed Queen of the Movers, or chief-in-charge of the many comings and goings of the condo building where I live. This one tops the list of the Make-Me-Crazy jobs on my list of Crazy-Things-To-Do.
Yesterday’s move was the pinnacle of the move-from-hell experiences. The guys on the truck broke every condo rule in the book, resulting in multiple complaints from irate residents who had every right to be angry about the inconvenience created by the truck blocking the entrance/exit to the garage. They refused to move. Period. They simply refused to move. Needless to say, I lost it and things went downhill from there.
My normal behavior would have been to slip into facilitator/mediator role, but I was so blinded by my own anger that I got caught up in the melee, unable to find my way clear. Fortunately, I soon realized that I was part of the problem rather than part of the solution, and I backed off and apologized for my untowardly behavior toward the movers, but not before I gave myself a good tongue lashing for my behavior. I felt ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my loss of control. That sucker-punch caught me by surprise and rather than responding with kindness, I reacted to this little head-on collision with anger instead.
It’s times like these that I need to remember that I’m not broken and I don’t need to be “fixed,” but sometimes when in the midst of such a daytime nightmare, it sounds easier said than done. Happily for me, I have a strong faith and belief in the power of love over fear, and that I need only remember that love is the best soft-serve antidote to all things conflicting.
As my head hit the pillow last night, I felt my body struggling to recover from the nasty blast of stress that occurred as a result of the day’s fray. Heart and head both pounded from physical, mental, and emotional strain and kept me awake and asking myself how I had gone so far over the edge so quickly. What was the trigger that set me off? I don’t have the answer to that yet, but at least my head is a little clearer in the light of day. What did I learn from this unfortunate encounter?
- It’s easier to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- Think before I speak.
- I am not broken and I don’t need to be fixed.
- Though I may lose it in the moment and never have an opportunity to heal a rift between myself and another, I can still practice the art of love, forgiveness, kindness, and compassion with both myself and those whom I may have harmed.
- I can reaffirm my resolve to sit down each day with the friendly voices within myself for a refreshing dip in the fountain of awareness and enlightenment.
- But here’s the kicker of what I really learned. I learned how important it is to have a strong spiritual belief system. I learned that yesterday, I had failed to have a little daily chat with my sane, loving unseen voices. I saw how quickly a situation of minor proportions can quickly morph into a major incident such that those involved might be brought to use violence as a means as a so-called solution to the problem. Or that a family disagreement can cause a major lifelong fracture that goes unhealed.
- This incident also reminded me that any situation may be used by the powers that be to heal, bless, and heighten the awareness of those with eyes to see and the willingness to engage in the practice of doing whatever they need to do to add peace to their world and to the world in general.
- Any experience—no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable, no matter how happy or unhappy—can be used as fodder for a blog. So thanks for this experience of something to write about, my friends (I think!).
By the way—in case you may have forgotten, I’d just like to remind you (and myself) that we are absolutely perfect exactly the way we are. Let’s face it—we’re all doing the best we can. If we could do it any better, we would. And one day when we’re ready, we will. Meanwhile, I highly recommend that you simply sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.
Today I’ll thank the voices who are always there for me, I’ll remember that I’m not broken, that I don’t need to be fixed, that I can own and love my behavior and see it as a gift cleverly designed to move me along on my path to enlightenment like it or not (and sometimes I don’t, depending of the form the lesson). I can see it as a growing experience rather than use it as a weapon against myself, and know that I am always loved and forgiven and I can always love and forgive myself and all others in my world. And yes, even my enemies. Well—not so easy sometimes, but I’m working on it!
I also learned that my blissful, joyful, state of euphoria can be quickly destroyed by unhealed anger. So I’m making the choice for love and will keep my sights set on Nirvana. It may take awhile, but I plan to stay on track till I make it! Maybe I’ll see you there, huh?
Oh—as a final note (there always seems to be a final note, right?) I want to add that starting right now, today, this very minute, I have returned to “Thank You God” mode. All day every day, Thank You God Mode keeps me in a state of joyful bliss and out of trouble. Apparently I flunked Gratitude 101 yesterday. I won’t make that mistake again today. It’s too stressful!
Thank you, thank you, thank you God for ALL blessings, both great and small. And speaking of gratitude . . .
Oh–and here’s other final note. (Do they never end?) This blog was produced before I even had a chance to say thank you to all of you wonderful family, friends, and fellow bloggers for your lovely and positive comments about the last post, but hang tight. I’ll get there soon! Meanwhile, please know that I appreciate your kind thoughts! 🙂 To those who are following my blog, THANK YOU!