This morning I opened an email that sent me straight up and out of my Lazygirl off into the heat and humidity to have a walk through the wilds of the neighborhood and a little talk with myself in the hope of getting my head straight and finding a bit peace and serenity along the way.
Trust the good old Universe to present the perfect opportunity to learn a lesson at just the right time. Heap it on, I say. Let’s see how much I can take before it all crashes down around my shoulders and crushes the life out of me. Okay, so the pedal is to the metal. Can I put my money where my mouth is and practice what I preach? Good question, I say to myself, as I try to claw my way through the clutter of my mind in search of a bit of daylight. It’s all well and good to carry on like the rainbow unicorn that I like to pretend that I am, but are unicorns really real? Is this another test?
I walk to the lake and park myself on a shady bench to meditate and cogitate for a while in hopes of getting what I came for. I watch as my mind bounces me up and down like a yoyo traveling at warp speed. It’s all too much to sort through. Too many twists and turns, too many complications and complexities, too many emotions coming from too many directions, too much at stake, too many possible outcomes, not all of them good.
I hear a slight splash that calls my attention to the water’s surface and watch as ripples spread in concentric circles from the point of center. It dawns on me that my thoughts and feelings spread out from my own point of center and wash over everything and everyone within range, and that the range is infinite.
There is something within me that wants to hang on to anger and gnaw on it like a Doberman with a juicy bone, to not let go until I’ve sucked the essence out of it. A saying from Eckhart Tolle flashes across my mind: Sometimes letting things go is a far greater power than defending or hanging on. Now if I could just convince my mind about that. Would that I could just practice what I preach about the power of the mind. It isn’t easy, but at least it’s a goal. Goals count for something.
So I have another talk with myself between the yoyo bounces and try to talk myself into shifting gears from anger into forgiveness. I try to remember that the ripples aren’t mine alone, but that they reach into infinity and therefore affect everyone else in their path, even those who are innocent bystanders.
This morning’s ripple effect reminds me that thoughts matter and that what I choose to think makes a difference. In my quest for peace, I realize that it’s a lonely endeavor, an inside job. No one can hand it to me; I have to find it within myself. It looks as if I’ve fallen a little short of passing the test today. I haven’t made it to total forgiveness yet but I’m working on it—maybe tomorrow. Like yesterday’s pony in the manure, somewhere, there’s a rainbow, and I’ll find it eventually. After all, what’s a unicorn without the rainbow?
Well, I did find some light after all. And a beautiful end of the day–lobster picnic dinner with friends on their lawn, and a surprise fireworks display seen over the harbor from a vantage point near their cottage. And today, I loved your description of trying to find your center in the midst of upset. I SO get it! Well, we keep on doing the best we can, being honest with ourselves about the struggle, and seeing the beautiful potential that living as a soul can and does bring to our lives. Thanks for sharing!
I am so happy to hear that your holiday ended with lobster, friends, and fireworks. What a delight it must have been. I hope that you enjoyed it enough for both of us. The blessing in today’s upset is that the blog wrote itself. There’s a benefit to everything if one is willing to scrape around in the muck enough to find it, I guess! I suspect however that there is an easier way. Hope to find it soon! 💕